Friday Night Date Place - Are You Ready to Date?
(Or “Should I move out of my mother’s basement?”)
Some of you may be wondering why I’m even bothering to write on this topic. It’s because a lot of my friends are single. More to the point, they are single and hating it. So, they turn to Christian dating books to find some sort of solace or purpose or method to success. What do they find? “Be patient, wait on God, and don’t have sex” or “courting is what the Bible intended for dating. And don’t have sex.” Too often, the underlying message seems to be “you won’t be complete until you get married” with the practical application of the message being ... wait for it ... “don’t have sex.” So I just thought that I’d try and write about some of the questions that I get all the time.
(The other reason I’m writing this: my niece just subscribed to me. I thought I’d give her something useful to read. Okay, that and it invariably stirs up crap on my message board. And I love a good dust up.)
One of the questions that I get quite often is, believe it or not, when will I know that I’m ready to date? The answer to that question almost has to begin with the answer to a different question: are you ready to get married? I know, it sounds like I’m going to advocate the “date to mate” school of thought when it comes to dating. And I will, eventually, however, I know full well that people can recreationally date. Sheesh, do you need someone to give you permission to just go out, have fun, killing time with someone of the opposite sex? Go. Do. Keep in mind, however, that, especially as people get older, they don’t have time to waste with the dating game and it becomes unfair to raise someone’s emotional expectations. So I will leave the sport dating to the teens and twenty-something crowd, with the caveat that even they should have a distant eye on the idea of “is this someone I would be willing to commit to and spend the rest of my life with?” More on that later.
There is an art and science to hobby dating. Like I said, while it may seem that I end up in the school of “dating to mate”, I don’t begin there. I’m feeling particularly locked into a modern mindset at the moment, so I’m gonna go with my goal-oriented instincts. You have to have a goal, with its accompanying motives and attitudes. The goal could be relatively simple like nothing more than just killing time with someone. This can be as simple as two (strictly) friends hanging out. Of course, this is rife with the danger of the unspoken interest. Even if you both start from a platonic place, there is always the possibility of something kindling for at least one of you. Some folks date to have fun. Let me call this what this is: friends with benefits. Your snuggle buddy. Your strictly casual, no strings attached, kiss without commitment partner. Um, ditto on the dangers and kindling.
At any rate, to be fair to the person you are going out with, figure out what you want to do before you start and let them know. You’d be surprised how much less complicated life gets with effective communication.
It has been my experience that older singles are that way for one of four reasons:
1. They are socially inept or (high maintenance/quirky) idiots. I know, it sounds harsh. Let me speak the truth in love: these are “extra grace” people, the ones who require extra grace on our part to put up with them. You know who I’m talking about. People like me.
2. They want to be. Look, not everyone feels this overwhelming desire to be married, be tied down, or breed. Impossible as it may seem, there are some people content to be single and living complete, fulfilled lives.
3. Their lifestyle or life place. Somehow or another, be it career or timing, it just hasn’t happened for them yet, despite their desire.
4. They have been thrust back into the game. Divorce and death are realities, either of which can find someone in the (unwanted) position of being back in the dating game. And the game has usually changed in their absence, making it all the more scary.
These are the ones who are especially tired, and really don’t have the patience or time, for the game of dating. These are the ones, with biological clocks ticking loudest in their ears, for whom sport or casual dating is a thing of the past. The ones who it is cruel to raise their expectations just because you are still flitting through life. It is for their sakes especially that I eventually came to the school of thought that each date should be taken with the “is this someone I could potentially marry” idea firmly in place. It helps keeps things in perspective.
Dating the right way means showing love at all times in all things. I guess that if there is one thing that should mark dating from a Christian worldview, it would be that. Dating should be free from using people, be it financially, socially, or sexually. Dating should never be an unloving (read: selfish) process.
Unselfish dating? Who ever heard of such a thing? Yeah, I know, life would be great if we all played by the same rules.
###
Since I don’t know where you are reading this, the best way to guarantee me seeing your comment is to post on my message board. Or simply drop by to say hi.
Some of you may be wondering why I’m even bothering to write on this topic. It’s because a lot of my friends are single. More to the point, they are single and hating it. So, they turn to Christian dating books to find some sort of solace or purpose or method to success. What do they find? “Be patient, wait on God, and don’t have sex” or “courting is what the Bible intended for dating. And don’t have sex.” Too often, the underlying message seems to be “you won’t be complete until you get married” with the practical application of the message being ... wait for it ... “don’t have sex.” So I just thought that I’d try and write about some of the questions that I get all the time.
(The other reason I’m writing this: my niece just subscribed to me. I thought I’d give her something useful to read. Okay, that and it invariably stirs up crap on my message board. And I love a good dust up.)
One of the questions that I get quite often is, believe it or not, when will I know that I’m ready to date? The answer to that question almost has to begin with the answer to a different question: are you ready to get married? I know, it sounds like I’m going to advocate the “date to mate” school of thought when it comes to dating. And I will, eventually, however, I know full well that people can recreationally date. Sheesh, do you need someone to give you permission to just go out, have fun, killing time with someone of the opposite sex? Go. Do. Keep in mind, however, that, especially as people get older, they don’t have time to waste with the dating game and it becomes unfair to raise someone’s emotional expectations. So I will leave the sport dating to the teens and twenty-something crowd, with the caveat that even they should have a distant eye on the idea of “is this someone I would be willing to commit to and spend the rest of my life with?” More on that later.
There is an art and science to hobby dating. Like I said, while it may seem that I end up in the school of “dating to mate”, I don’t begin there. I’m feeling particularly locked into a modern mindset at the moment, so I’m gonna go with my goal-oriented instincts. You have to have a goal, with its accompanying motives and attitudes. The goal could be relatively simple like nothing more than just killing time with someone. This can be as simple as two (strictly) friends hanging out. Of course, this is rife with the danger of the unspoken interest. Even if you both start from a platonic place, there is always the possibility of something kindling for at least one of you. Some folks date to have fun. Let me call this what this is: friends with benefits. Your snuggle buddy. Your strictly casual, no strings attached, kiss without commitment partner. Um, ditto on the dangers and kindling.
At any rate, to be fair to the person you are going out with, figure out what you want to do before you start and let them know. You’d be surprised how much less complicated life gets with effective communication.
It has been my experience that older singles are that way for one of four reasons:
1. They are socially inept or (high maintenance/quirky) idiots. I know, it sounds harsh. Let me speak the truth in love: these are “extra grace” people, the ones who require extra grace on our part to put up with them. You know who I’m talking about. People like me.
2. They want to be. Look, not everyone feels this overwhelming desire to be married, be tied down, or breed. Impossible as it may seem, there are some people content to be single and living complete, fulfilled lives.
3. Their lifestyle or life place. Somehow or another, be it career or timing, it just hasn’t happened for them yet, despite their desire.
4. They have been thrust back into the game. Divorce and death are realities, either of which can find someone in the (unwanted) position of being back in the dating game. And the game has usually changed in their absence, making it all the more scary.
These are the ones who are especially tired, and really don’t have the patience or time, for the game of dating. These are the ones, with biological clocks ticking loudest in their ears, for whom sport or casual dating is a thing of the past. The ones who it is cruel to raise their expectations just because you are still flitting through life. It is for their sakes especially that I eventually came to the school of thought that each date should be taken with the “is this someone I could potentially marry” idea firmly in place. It helps keeps things in perspective.
Dating the right way means showing love at all times in all things. I guess that if there is one thing that should mark dating from a Christian worldview, it would be that. Dating should be free from using people, be it financially, socially, or sexually. Dating should never be an unloving (read: selfish) process.
Unselfish dating? Who ever heard of such a thing? Yeah, I know, life would be great if we all played by the same rules.
###
Since I don’t know where you are reading this, the best way to guarantee me seeing your comment is to post on my message board. Or simply drop by to say hi.
<< Home