Friday Night Date Place – Cutting the Apron Strings

One of the hardest things to do in our transition from child to adult is to establish an adult relationship with our parents. Life with our parents is an evolution of power: we come into the world completely dependent on them (and our parents know EVERYTHING); we start to make noises of independence and doing things our way (and our parents know NOTHING); and then we start to brave the world by ourselves (and our parents know SOME things after all).

Now that I’m a parent, it’s easier for me to look at things from a parent’s perspective. Like most parents, I worry about what kind of men they are going to be and how best to train them to be the kind of men they ought to be. It will be hard to let go of them, to get to that stage where I stop worrying, to stop thinking of them as my kid and let them be the adults they are one day supposed to be.

I changed their diapers, I wiped their noses, I kissed their boo-boos. I have planned for them, I’ve answered their (endless) questions, I’ve guided them. I’ve sacrificed for them and provided for them. Do I expect anything in return? Heck yeah, I want a payoff of my investment. I want them to become fully functional adults, prepared to go into the world and find their own way.

In other words, at some point you have to move out.

(In fact, now that my kids can tell time, I’m going to stick a counter on my blog as a continual reminder.)

Now, I’m not exactly sinless to cast any stones in this area. If someone wants to keep running after me to give me free stuff, I’m going to let them. However, at some point, certain ties had to be cut (right around the time I had to establish my own family and myself as the head of it, coincidently enough). And it was a painful transition period for me and my parents (read: mom). But it had to be done in order 1) for me to establish the direction for my own family, 2) for me to be seen as an independent adult by myself, 3) for me to be seen as an independent adult by those around me, and 4) to be seen as an independent adult by my parents.

You can’t keep living in your mother’s basement. Or your friend’s mother’s basement. Or otherwise sponging off people in your life because you don’t want to stand on your own two feet. I don’t know what it is about our generation, but a lot of us are taking longer and longer to, well, grow up. Maybe it’s because we haven’t had to. Previous generations have had Depressions and wars to define them, forcing them to grow up sooner. We’ve had MTv. But I’m strictly speculating.

Did I mention that at some point you have to move out?

I haven’t even gotten to the most practical lesson of cutting the apron strings. Control. Nothing is ever truly free. You think you get to live in a basement rent free? You think you get to borrow your parents’ car whenever you want, no charge? You need a temporary influx of cash, gratis? Besides being generally thought of as a loser by your friends, you have also given up control in your life. You are under a certain amount of obligation to live by their rules (their house, their roof, their rules). Each loan is another string attached to you. Call them “guilt lines” or “advance pay day guilt loans” and they will be pulled or cashed in.

Cutting the apron strings is a rite of passage, one that can be relatively painless (despite the occasional bout of empty nest syndrome) or messy (when folks finally have to kick you out). It’s best to take the reins of your own life and carve out your own direction, no matter how many bowls of ramen noodles you have to eat in the process.


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Friday Night Date Place – Perfection: Give up the Dream

I’ve written before about how we should accept people as they are and quit dating folks with the idea of remaking them into the image of what we think we want. Today I’d like to write about an idea tangential (if not flipside) to that: the quest of perfection.

We all want to be accepted for who we are, find that person who accepts us, and allows us to be real. Authentic. The fact of the matter is that sometimes who you are is an idiot. Seriously. Just this side of brain damaged. So socially inept, it’s a wonder you can function in civilized society. I’m not throwing stones: I’ve embraced the reality that I’m not perfect (I’ve even gone so far as to embrace the fact that my imperfection can only further my wife’s holiness as she learns to love me anyway).

To recap, we have the need to accept people balanced against the need to face the reality that you aren’t perfect so there are some things you have to change or areas you need to grow in. The other tension in this equation, and the actual topic I wanted to write about, are those who endlessly chase perfect acceptance.

"The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." - Juno

Even discounting the blinders that come with falling for someone, I encounter all sort of folks for whom my natural reaction is “I can accept you as you are. I just wish you weren’t so … ‘you’ some of the time.” There are folks who want the former without the latter. Somehow they have it twisted in their head that a good relationship means in order for their relationship to work, they need to be accepted just as they are, with no expectations for change. Or growth.

They define acceptance as a full embrace of who you are and what you do when reality says that I may begrudgingly put up with you and wish parts of you would change. There is a big difference between accepted and being put up with, and sometime that difference is the measure of reality. I wonder if part of their misconception lies in the belief that if they aren’t perfectly accepted, they are merely being put up with. Tolerated.

Now, what I call putting up with, since I know the torments I regularly put my wife through, I see as part of the reality of the accommodation of relationships. Unless you manage to find Mr./Ms. Perfect you will continue to be frustrated unless you realize that perfect acceptance, perfection period, doesn’t exist. If you are like a child who only wants constant affirmation (“Everything you do is wonderful”) or else you think something is wrong in the relationship, or if you think the blinders that come when two people first start dating (“Everything you do is wonderful”) are meant to last the entire length of your relationship, then you have some issues you need to work out.

Probably starting with accepting yourself. You have quirks. Because the unreality of romance and faultlessness eventually wears off and people will recognize your act and who you are. The real and authentic you. “You have some aspects to you I flat out don’t like. I love you anyway.” That is the kind of acceptance we should want. A quest for anything else will leave you in constant quest, moving from relationship to ultimately dissatisfying relationship. You may have to face the fact that you have areas that you need to work on (and, in fact, you running from relationship to relationship is simply you avoiding dealing with your issues).


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Friday Night Date Place – Crap or Get Off the Pot

Relationships are about timing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know we hear about God’s timing, but that’s not what I specifically mean. I mean sometimes the timing of things, the timing of two lives coming together, isn’t always in sync.

Have you ever been in a treading water or yo-yo-ing relationship? By treading water, I mean you have reached this comfortable spot, things don’t seem to be going either forwards (towards marriage) or backwards (toward a break up), but you have lost relationship momentum and find yourself in a steady-state position. It’s not a bad place, things are going along fine, yet, you can’t help but feel some sort of dissatisfaction. Like you aren’t where you want to be in the relationship or that you could seriously see your relationship in this same place a year from now. Two years from now. For the foreseeable future.

On the other hand, you have the yo-yo-ing relationship. You get together, things for fine for a time, then the relationship seems to come to a head. One of you may want more while the other isn’t ready to commit. You may want to get married but you can’t quite seem to take that final step. So the two of you break up, ready to go your separate directions and start anew with someone else. Time goes by, then you start to drift back together. It may start slowly: you still hang out with the same friends and thus bump into each other a lot; you attempt to just be friends and find yourselves calling each other and hanging out again; next thing you know, you’re talking about giving things another shot and the process starts all over again.

There comes a point where you have to decide the ultimate future of the relationship. Much like some people feel a biological clock (and that may factor into the decision) others feel a “lifetime commitment” clock. Think of it as a lemon law: once you’ve decided that this is the person you could spend the rest of your life with, how much time, energy, and emotion are you willing to invest in the relationship before you decide that things aren’t heading down the aisle?

This lag time will vary per couple; relationships have to go at their own pace. It is a time of discovery, of learning about your partner. So part of the decision making process may boil down to where you are in life. Financial reality may play a part in the decision, being in school, career decisions, family obligations. These are realities.

Indecision, not wanting to settle down just yet (if ever), “I don’t know”, “it doesn’t feel right yet”—you’re lying to yourself if you don’t believe these aren’t decisions every bit as real as a break up. And you know what? You should listen to those decisions. If one partner doesn’t know, don’t pressure them into a “yes”. You shouldn’t have to sell you or the relationship to them.

No one ought to force you into making a decision you aren’t ready to, but there comes a point where you are going to have to make a decision. Otherwise you really are holding up two people’s lives. Timing is a delicate thing (more delicate than the title of this blog).


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Friday Night Date Place – Shopping to Shop

Smokey Robinson sang about “my momma told me, ‘you better shop around’” (my dad listened to Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, I’m not dating myself by any stretch). I am more of a pragmatist at heart than a romantic, so a certain about of shopping, haggling, and trading makes sense to me. Also feeding into this is the fact that I’m a guy, so mid-life crises (still not dating myself) also makes sense to me.

I can see this blog quickly getting away from me (it’s the potential pitfall of writing about singles’ issues while your wife not only reads over your shoulder, but keeps flashing back to the series of break ups the two of you had while dating), so let me try this another way. On a certain level, I understand (not saying I condone, approve, or otherwise give assent to) the idea of people trading up: to go prettier, smarter, funnier, wealthier in their next relationship – a terminal case of the grass-is-always-greener-itis. (Unless you are escaping a bad situation, then just run!)

It’s not much of an intuitive leap since too often we treat relationships like disposable commodities. However, what I can’t get my mind around is the idea of shopping to be shopping, or rather, trading simply for the sake of trading. A lateral move rather than a move up in anyway. I suppose in guy parlance, it could be seen as getting a little “strange” on the side; taking us back to the idea of folks getting tired of the same old home-cooking (which would really suck for me since I do all of the cooking in our house. I mean that in the literal sense).

The irony of all of this—between the stereotype of the mid-life crisis/trading the wife for the young secretary and/or the idea of getting some “strange”—is that the reason this topic has come up is because in my circle of friends, it has been the guys dumped. So obviously, this is an equal opportunity condition.

Selfishness and narcissism can rot relationships from the inside. The idea of entitlement, things being about “my needs” and “me first”, is antithetical to how relationships ought to work. Not having needs met; wanting to feel young, pretty, relevant, pursued again; simply wanting a change of scenery, these are symptoms of a poor idea of how relationships work (and while dating, maybe it’s best that they leave. However, these are things that ought to be worked through in a marriage situation).

We suffer from a relational disconnect. There is an emotional desensitization that comes with spending too much time with one person, especially when locked in the same routine. Relationships can only survive by continual reconnection. We combat the disconnect by being present in the relationship, investing time, self, and energy into it, prioritizing the person we wish to spend our life with.

I have a couple of friends who I see constantly. We worry about relational fatigue because we don’t want to get sick of each other. I worry about it less (now) because, for one thing, relationships change. If you take a look at your current circle of friends, there’s a good chance that a year from now, maybe two, the complexion of your circle of friends will be different. People whom you shared intimate secrets with one day drift (or storm) out of your life. People fight. Misunderstandings occur. Trust is betrayed. People move, switch social circles, life, circumstances, what have you - you wake up one day and realize that some folks aren’t as close to you or aren’t as much a part of your world as they used to be. There is a natural ebb and flow to relationships.

For another thing, we have a dynamic I pray will be sustained despite the aforementioned observation about relationships. It’s like we’re in a constant competition to see who can love each other more. The math is simple: Continual acts of love = continual reconnection. Not letting the relationship grow stale or old, valuing the time you spend together, not taking the relationship for granted. Distance may make the heart grow fonder, but only until the heart no longer cares.

Browse if you need to, that’s what dating is all about. Serially wrapping yourself in a relationship simply for the sake of doing so (for the sake of not wanting to be alone, or needing a new face to keep you company), is the height of selfishness. And you may want to seriously look in the mirror and examine yourself about that.


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Friday Night Date Place – Church Screws Up?

“A major source of hostility to sex is religion.” –A.C. Grayling

YBOR CITY, Fla. - A southwest Florida church issued a challenge for its married members this past Sunday: Hanky-panky every day. Relevant Church head pastor Paul Wirth says the 50 percent divorce rate was the catalyst for The 30-Day Sex Challenge.

"And that's no different for people who attend church," Wirth said. "Sometimes life gets in the way. Our jobs get in the way." Oh, and the flip side of the challenge? No rolling in the sheets for the unwed.

A mandate for sex from the pulpit? These people are genius! I like sex (memo to my wife who I know reads this). I am pro-sex. I have no discomfort in talking about it (I talk about it in Friday Night Date Place fairly often). As parents, we try to navigate those seemingly treacherous waters early with our boys, 5 and 6, so the conversations go easier later (the 5 year old recently revealed having a thing for Summer Glau, the female Terminator so we might as well start having these conversations).

Except, the mandate for being pro-sex isn’t the relevant idea from a too cool pastor. It is an idea true to the story of the Bible. Church/religion has screwed up a lot of ideas about how we think about and deal with sex. We act as if the book Song of Songs isn’t in the Bible. We make our kids leave the sanctuary if we mention it. Why? They need to hear about it as much as anyone else. Where best can they learn what it means and how best to love one another?

(And I’m not talking about showing videos with a voiceover saying “here’s how pastor likes it.”)

Take “Christian love songs” for a example. Within the confines of the Christian ghetto, there is a need for Christian pop music, but much of it is bereft of the idea of how romantic love should work or how it should look. Christians singing love songs face hostility from within and without the Christian market, because they are expected to only talk about God, as if all areas of our lives aren’t under God’s dominion. As artists, we should be truthful (and true to our art) about the entire spectrum of the human condition. The whole of lives: being in love, being depressed, the beauty and passion of sex. It’s like there are some aspects of life we aren’t supposed to talk about from our pulpits or in our art.

In the ideal we were meant to be sensual, seeking pleasure in one another, being passionate. Tales of how we love each other should be something to write and sing about as part of enjoying creation includes each other’s bodies. Unfortunately, every relationship is touched by sin and pain. We’re a broken people doing our best to muddle through broken relationships as best we can.

We need a better, a bigger, view of romance and sex, both within the church and without. There is beauty to be found and had; the power and heat of attraction; the meaning of sex and the need to be known; the sensuality of being appreciated and of building up one another and putting the other’s needs ahead of your own. Conversations had without shame, all building on a sacred trust and commitment. Sex is the divine connection, we need to know more about it and not abuse it.

Dating is the process of two stories coming together in light of a greater Story. There is a public as well as private dimension to the process. I commend this church for having this dialogue on sex. Things ought to be discussed in community. Friends can see the disparity between the ideal (how folks in love see each other) and the real (how their friends truly are). Love gains confidence when affirmed by others, especially those who know them. In community, we need to model how to love one another and how to nurture relationship. In private, we need to pace ourselves and the relationship. If nothing else, remember the wisdom of Song of Songs 2:7: “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”


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Friday Night Date Place: Surviving Valentine’s Day

Alright, I am beginning this blog with the ultimate of disclaimers: take anything I have to say with a truckload of salt. I am the guy who once timed a break up to start on December 9th (the day before my then girlfriend’s birthday) only to conveniently reconcile with her on February 15th.

I remember when I wrote:

Men, I’m taking a stand against this Hallmark endorsed day of male oppression. That’s right, someone’s got to do it. That’s right men, stand up, cry out with one voice: “We are not going to participate in this made up holiday for the sake of going through the motions of showing some token affection as if this gets us out of anything during the rest of the year. We know that this so-called holiday is just another opportunity for us to screw up and we refuse to be the objects of scorn presented to your girlfriends as Exhibit A in the case of how men are worthless.”

There’s a lot to rail against when it comes to Valentine’s Day. I can talk about how this pretend occasion is a ritual of memory of those around us who have our affections and it is about taking the time to honor them. On the flip side, I can talk about how no one wants gestures of duty, least of all, your significant other. I can talk about how the idea of romance, and I’m talking about this false story we build up around the ideas of what love should be, is a cancer of expectation in relationships. Or how it reduces and objectifies love. You better have done something.

I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care how much you and your S.O. have talked about it and what kind of blood oaths the two of you have made to one another. If your S.O. … okay, let’s be real … if your girlfriend goes through the day with nothing from you (this only gets compounded if while at work, every woman around her is inundated with gifts from thoughtful significant others), wrap yourself in a blanket and enjoy the frozen tundra your relationship will be for the next few days.

It doesn’t matter if every significant other bands together to boycott the occasion, there will always be one to ruin it for everyone else. Be that one.

Here’s the bottom line: you better have done something.

Ideally, you should be living your relationship life in such a way that Valentine’s Day is only a formalized occasion to encounter the ritual of remembrance. The spirit of Valentine’s Day should be part of the fabric of your relationship. I don’t mean continual gifts, I mean continual remembering and gestures of affections. They don’t have to be big. They don’t have to be flashy. They only have to be a thoughtful token of affection and remembrance.

You can’t just say things like “ain’t a roof over your head and food in the refrigerator proof of my love?” And a day after the fact blog on the topic doesn’t count. I’m just sayin’.


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Friday Night Date Place: Why I have Stopped Dating Christian Women

As I am still under the weather and am under deadline (some big announcements to come soon), this week’s Friday Night Date Place is brought to you by some time contributor, Jon Harp. It’s a lament I have heard quite often:

Let me begin by saying that anything I say here is a generality and universally true. If it were I would call it an universality (that made up word is too difficult to pronounce to be true anyway).

The reason I have stopped actively trying to date Christian women is simple, I no longer fit the criteria that qualifies me as a potentially acceptable mate. I did once upon a time, but that was before a divorce and three kids. Those two factors have made finding an interested Christian woman in her 30’s or 40’s nearly impossible. The truth is that most single Christian women are looking for a Christian man who doesn’t fall into either of those categories. Now I am not speaking of Christian women in their twenties, my informal (and completely anecdotal) research isn’t aimed in their direction, strictly women in my general age group.

It seems that most of the Christian women I have encountered seem to be searching for some type of untainted soul mate, someone who hasn’t felt that strongly about anyone else before, and/or doesn’t carry the baggage (children) that may have come along with that relationship. This seems to be strongest with women who have never been married before themselves and that is somewhat understandable, though extremely limiting. Women who have kids of their own aren’t much different, though you would think they would be more open and accepting of another Christian with kids, there seems to be a desire to have someone whose attention won’t be diverted from her and her children. Christian women who have been divorced, either with or without kids, seem to be the most accepting, but still seemingly prefer someone who hasn’t got the children.

I understand a lot of the reasons why, adding on a ready made family can be intimidating for anyone. In addition, anyone who has been through a divorce is going to bear some emotional scars, and that may make a relationship a little more difficult. The problem, however, is that I stated before, eliminating all but single never married Christian men in their 30’s will limit your options. Those clean, untainted souls are few and far between, and let’s face it, if there is a single never married man in his thirties in your church there is often a pretty plain reason for his not being married. Sure there are some perfectly acceptable guys who choose to not marry into their 30’s, but many of the men in that situation have, let’s say, social issues, to be kind.

The truth in my situation as a divorced man with kids is that I am part of the largely dismissed group. We aren’t clean and untainted. I have some dirt under my nails, and my share of scars. I am part of an increasingly large group of men in the same situation and if Christian women don’t find us generally acceptable we will turn to the one group that will, non-Christian women. The sad part is that I have found non-Christian women to be far more accepting of the dirt and scars than Christian women. Christians should always display a more open and accepting frame of mind toward others, but too often in many different arenas this isn’t the case. As I said these are generalities and not universally true. But I can tell you that on the internet dating service that I use, I would say easily 80 to 90% of the women who prominently mention that they are Christian, also mention that they are looking for someone, firstly, without kids, and secondly never married. Since I don’t fit that profile I have stopped looking for Christian women and just started looking for those who aren’t as discriminating about the dirt under my nails.


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Friday Night Date Place – A Thief Always Gets Caught

The other day, I ran across this site which read in part:

Do you believe that someone (even online) has used your love and trust in order to steal your money? Did they claim they loved you, would marry you, take care of you, start a business with you - and all you had to do was provide the financing for everything? Did they disappear overnight or just walk out on you after you ran out of money? Did they refuse to pay back any of the money they received, claiming that you gave it to them willingly as a gift? Did you learn after they left that they were involved with another person at the same time they were promising you the world and taking your money? Then you are the victim of a sweetheart scam.

Naturally, the first question I had to ask myself was how do things get to this point? How many times have you started dating someone who later turns out, or reveal themselves, to be someone else? How do you know if your relationship is built with the long term stability of a house of cards? Is there any way to know, to find out, before it’s too late?

In some ways, it’s pointless to ask what kind of warning signs to look for. We’re talking about being in love, and being in love can be a special kind of crazy. Put another way, we aren’t always as logical as we ought to be. When you’re in love, you will defend your lover against outside attack or anything you perceive as an attack. When you’re in love, you hear with “ears of love” so it can be easy for folks to explain things away and you give them the benefit of the doubt. It kind of reminds me of the lyrics to the song “When a Man Loves a Woman”:

When a man loves a woman
Down deep in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she plays him for a fool
He's the last one to know
Lovin' eyes can't ever see

Still, there ought to be some red flags you ought to pay attention to. How did their previous relationships end? Granted, ex-girlfriends or ex-spouses can make for biased (to say the least) witnesses (I know that I’ve never had an ex with an ax to grind, preferably in my skull), but it’s a question to consider. How does they treat their friends and other relationships? Do they compartmentalize their life? By that I mean are you kept in one part of their life like some secret shame? Are you hidden from their parents, their family, or groups of their friends? For that matter, does too much of their life seem shrouded in secrecy, as if you are being cut out from portions of their life?

Or, one of the biggies, do they always seem to have or be in a state of crisis? Constant drama, coincidently around your pay days, can be a red flag. Money can be a critical issue in relationships, so if you find yourself constantly paying out a lot of money, or otherwise supporting them, it’s a red flag. If you find yourself always doing the heavy lifting of the relationship, be it emotionally, financially, or even spiritually, consider it a red flag. People eventually reveal who they really are, but you need to remember that a thief always gets caught.

You have a right to be picky when you are dating; you deserve the best and too often we settle for less out of fear of being alone. Make sure that the person you think you are dating really exists and isn’t just a figment of your romance filled imagination. Don’t let fear keep you from making the tough decisions. Investigate as you date, or at least keep your eyes open. Meet their friends; see what they think of your significant other and how your significant other presents you to them. But you have to draw your own line for when things rise to the level of being a deal breaker issue.

Not that any of this will make the pain any less should things go bad and you find yourself betrayed, hurt, and robbed. Few things will prevent you from falling into a dark place, curled up in a ball, under your bed sheets, shaking, like an addict in withdrawal because you not only hurt, but you still find yourself missing that person. Heartbreak is heartbreak. You need to allow yourself to purge, to mourn the relationship. Yes, you will find yourself asking if the person you thought you were dating ever existed. Maybe it becomes easier if you look at things through the eyes of a fiction writer: you can see this as another chapter of a story you contributed to, which you can and ought to put on a shelf and move on from. In the mean time, you hopefully have people, friends and family, who love you who can walk along side you through the dark times.


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Friday Night Date Place – Moving in Together

A.K.A. the practice divorce

When I first moved out on my own, I moved in with my two best friends: Jon (who has guest blogged on occasion) and Michele (who inspired my “random ‘I love you’ days”). We considered ourselves the “reverse Three’s Company” (now there’s a reference that dates us). We had basically grown up together, Michele and I in the same church, so moving in together was little more than like moving in with my brother and sister. Now, the church we attended was quite conservative and we were eventually called into pastor’s office. Apparently some folks had some issues with two people of the opposite sex living together. His argument boiled down to: fears of temptation, the appearance of wrong-doing, and the fact that “weaker” brothers had problems with it. What he couldn’t point to was a verse saying that two people of the opposite sex moving together was a sin.

However, we were two friends moving in together, platonically. I’m skipping over the whole premarital sex thing, since that is going to be the crux of many folks argument about couples moving in together. That is a whole separate issue that I’ve obviously covered before.* For me, it’s more of a common sense issue.

I never got the move-in together mentality. A woman asking me to move in with her has always sounded to my ear like “you must not want me commit to you and you’re willing to get as close as possible to feeling like a marriage without actually being one in order to hopefully change my mind later.” What are the goals of it? Playing house without commitment? For life convenience as you merge expenses? I remember once reading about

a little-noted peril of cohabitation: the potentially negative financial consequences of breaking up. When unmarried couples who have been living together part company, women are substantially worse off economically than men, according to a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family. Men's household income drops by 10%, while women lose 33%. The percentage of women living in poverty increases from 20% to 30%, while men's poverty level remains relatively unchanged at about 20% ... "A lot of us go into a (live-in) relationship with a positive outlook. We think, 'Oh, nothing bad will happen.' The girl typically thinks, 'This is going to be great, we're (eventually) going to get married.'"

Some people consider moving in together a practice marriage. However, I have a friend who says: “separate finances, separate stuff, and they can move out and take their stuff with them? Nope, it’s more like a practice marriage, it’s a practice divorce.” It’s like a play marriage with a built in getaway box (okay, I’ve been watching Women’s Murder Club and one of the ladies was thinking about moving in with her boyfriend but she kept a getaway box at her friend’s house. It was filled with clothes and essentials in case she had to make an emergency exit from the arrangement).

There’s no such thing as a practice marriage. Little prepares you for the real deal and by many accounts, the divorce stats are higher for couples who move in together before getting married. So should you move in together? Premarital sex issues aside, there are a lot of questions you will want to answer for yourself about why you want to do it and where you want the relationship to head.

[Cue the line of comments telling me how wrong I am.]


*We’ve covered some of that ground before: chastity as discipline, “the talk,” the church and sex, biblical loopholes part I and part II, drawing a line, “you burning” part I and part II, abusing intimacy, and even a guest blog of further musings on the topic.


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Friday Night Date Place – Dating Addiction

As far as getting involved in the next relationship, I would say there’s no real time limit for either parties, it’s just when they feel they are ready. However, I would strongly suggest a good month or two, possibly more depending on the person, timeout from any type of “serious” relationship.

I thought that I’d return to the idea of “mourning periods” after the end of a relationship. A lot of us, myself included, are often guilty of following the sage wisdom once pronounced by that great television philosopher, Ally McBeal: “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” It’s why so many of us go from relationship to relationship without sufficient time to “grieve”.

There is something to be said for healing times, times of transition and recovery, after a break up. That being said, there’s another type of person who goes from relationship to relationship, and those are the people who I am calling “dating addicts”.

When we asked the question “why date?”, we answered it by saying that we might as well ask why form friendships or any relationships at all. Everyone wants to be loved and be loved by someone. Everyone wants to know and be known by someone. When people speak of intimacy--trying to define what it is they are wanting–they talk about genuine trust, vulnerability, and transparency. They want to feel connected to someone. This sense of connectedness is a characteristic that we want in all of our close relationships. We want to share our lives, be accepted, and be intimate with others. Especially an other. We are hard-wired for intimacy; we’re relational beings.

Like with anything else in our lives, we can take something good and twist it. By “filling an addictive need”, I’m referring to the draw of intimacy. We crave the affection that comes from being in a relationship, the sense of intimacy of being with another, that connection. Sometimes it’s as simple as we love the attention from another (thus a reason why some folks are so hesitant to define a relationship for fear of losing the illusion of being in one).

We often exist in a state of perpetual longing for intimacy (the longing is good; however, when it rules you, it becomes bad). So some folks bounce from relationship to relationship, feeling the need to meet someone else in order to sustain their high or fill whatever intimacy void they may be experiencing. Thus they end up never dealing with their own crap. They fail to realize that sometimes saying “no” to someone who is obviously not right saves both of you time and potential future heartache. Their need to quickly fill that longing too often leads to a lowering/compromising your standards. And then where are you?

Sometimes the desire to be found attractive by prospective partners is great. Many of us have a need to be validated through the attentions of others. As much as I understand that, we can't start seeing or defining ourselves through the eyes of potential dates. There is nothing wrong with a time to be alone. Learn from the situation, give yourself time to heal, and move on. Deal with whatever issues you may have that might have led to the break up. Enjoy your time with you and your friends. Don’t let any addiction rule you or else they will only fuel poor decision making.


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Friday Night Date Place – The Right to be Picky

I’ve mentioned before that I have a lot of female friends. One of the reasons for that is because I have legitimately cultivated friendships with people of the opposite sex. True friendships, not “people I haven’t slept with … yet”. During the course of the friendships, sometimes we may have had to have a variation of the DTR talk. As their friend, I have had one simple “rule”: find a person who will love you as much and treat you as well as I do.

Sure, I get the occasional complaint that I set too high a standard. Actually, that’s a shame, because if a friend loves you and treats you better than your Significant Other, then you really ought to examine what you look for in an S.O. and/or why you settle in your relationships. I shouldn’t have to hear things like “I’m pickier than I have any right to be.” Any right to be? Wrong. You have the right to be picky.

We’ve constructed a false self, where we are defined by what we do, by what we have, and by what people think about us. It’s like we are all trapped by these false ideas of ourselves. These false selves, these false ways that we see ourselves, start developing when we’re young: how our families shape us, how we let our friends define us. We derive our self-worth from what we do; we’re of value because of how we behave or what we have.Too often, we’ve bought into several lies about ourselves. “I’m not pretty enough.” “I’m not smart enough.” “I’m not funny enough.” “I’m not worth loving.”

Truth is, we are eikons of God, created in God’s image, created to relate to God, to relate to others; created with inherent worth and dignity. In other words, you deserve to be loved. You deserve to be respected and esteemed. You deserve to be picky.


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Friday Night Date Place - Dating Divorcees

“Is it okay to date someone who has been divorced?” You'd be stunned how often I get this question. Or, maybe you wouldn't be. We live in an age of divorce, where one out of two marriages end in divorce, Christian and non-Christian alike. So many folks find themselves single again or dating prospects who have been divorced.

I’m not going to hash out a theology on divorce – why re-invent the wheel? Here are a few articles that I found helpful:

-The Importance of a Clearly Defined Position

-Four Evangelical Views on Divorce and Remarriage

-A Brief Development of the Reformed Perspective

-Pastoral Applications of the Reformed Position

Dating divorcees I basically just wanted to know the answer to a couple of questions:

1. What were the circumstances of the divorce? Adultery, abuse, abandonment – it’s hard to hold someone into account for the actions of another, don’t you think? Now, if I hear things like “my spouse no longer fulfilled my needs” or “we fell out of love;” well that’s going to make me more cautious.

2. How do they feel about the divorce? Did they fight to stay married? Were they repentant (if circumstances dictate/warrant it)? Basically, I want to know if they take marriage seriously. However, I understand circumstances beyond our control.

3. What sort of baggage is there? Hmm, perhaps there’s a better way to phrase this, but it doesn’t matter since only the first two questions are “make or break” sort of questions (and most folks carry baggage into a relationship). I’m just getting at what are the other relationships I’d be getting into (the ex still around, children, etc.).

“Is it okay?” I guess that’s up to you and what you have on your list. I know some hard core folks with a “no divorced people” dating policy. There’s something about that stance that smacks of judgment and an unforgiving spirit – but maybe it’s just me. I do know that marriage is hard and has many pitfalls. It strikes me as unloving to see someone who has been bruised by life, point to their bruises, and go “you’re automatically defective. Next please.” Maybe they should be asking if it’s okay to date you?


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Friday Night Date Place – Self-Destructive Ain’t Cute

I hate getting caught up in other people’s drama. Be it messy previous relationships or the consequences of their own bad decision making, some folks have self-destructive tendencies and the drama rarely seems to end with them. I suspect that they thrive on it half the time. Whether through their own insecurity or selfish behavior, most of the time these are dilemmas of their own making. Life becomes about meeting their own needs. Granted there is a perverse entertainment value in watching a plane crash; people can’t stop staring at wrecks. I don’t want to be collateral damage

Part of this is a spiral of self-hate. They have such a self-loathing, believing that things aren’t supposed to work out from them, that they don’t trust good things coming into their lives. So that even when things are going well, they have to do something, revert to some previous poor behavior, in order to sabotage things. In the process, they inflict damage on their partner as well as the other relationships in their lives. Friendships. Kids. Family.

Just like with mourning times after a break up, sometimes it is better to be alone for a while; a time for reflection and self-evaluation as you get your act together. This time of contemplation would be a good time to quit blaming others (an end of self moment) and look inward. Examine the mess and clean it up. Own who you are, own your own mistakes, and chart a course of the muck and mire of your present situation – fix yourself, find your path, not to be perfect, but to take account of your personal and moral failings. A part of owning your mistakes means confessing them, and seeking to become whole. On one hand, no one expects you to be perfect before you can date. On the other hand, you shouldn’t be looking for a relationship to cure you of being who you are. What we should be expecting is being on a journey to become whole.

Wholeness is attainable, and a journey of growth is what we should all be on.

Self-destructive isn’t cute, nor is it attractive, though I’m sure it appeals to those folks who are compelled to rescue the people they date. While we want to accept people where/as they are (in order to get away from our need to fix people or re-shape them into an image we want), this needs to be balanced by the fact that some people aren’t in a place where they are ready to be in a relationship. Those folks need to learn to look past themselves and their own needs. Relationship about the other person. Finding your needs met in being a blessing to another, not tearing them down or apart in the wake of your self-hate spiral.

I can love you wherever you are, but there are times when I will love you from “over there,” because some relationships will only be toxic.


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Friday Night Date Place - Getting Serious

In dating there are several milestones in the course of the relationship getting more serious: the first date, first time you hold their hand, the first kiss, meeting the parents, and, in Broaddus relationships, the first break up. The question becomes how do we progress from the first date to the first break up (or whatever it is normal couples do)? Or more on point, what are some things you ought to be examining as the relationship deepens?

-Trust. Do they keep their promises because the simple math is that a promise breaker = heart breaker. Are each of you people of integrity and honesty?

-Friendship. How good of friends are you? You have other friends and can judge those relationships. How does this one stack up to those?

-Conversation. Can you be open and share with one another? Communication is key and, counterintuitive as it may seem, so is learning to fight. When I hear "we're perfect, we never fight" then I’m pretty sure the relationship isn't serious. Disagreeing is fine, you have to learn how to resolve disagreements.

-Be yourself. Do they let you be yourself and love you for it? If you can't relax, you can't breathe. On the flip side, they're not getting to know you, but some version of you that (apparently) doesn’t want to risk rocking the relationship boat.

-What do your friends and family think? This is a quick spot check of your relationship. Do you include your friends and family (and kids, if applicable) or have you cut them off? Can you maintain friendships apart from each other?

-Possessive. Do you feel smothered, bothered by their jealousy? This is a potential red flag for future abuse. Just something to keep an eye out for.

Obviously this list isn’t exhaustive, but a few things to examine in the course of the relationship. I find it curious that I didn’t have anything to say about your feelings.


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Friday Night Date Place - Check Your Man

LANSING, Mich. — A state forensics scientist who said she tested DNA in her husband's underwear to find out whether he was cheating could be disciplined if investigators determine she violated the use of state equipment.

Things shouldn’t have to get to this point. I mean, seriously, if the day you find yourself rifling through your man’s dirty drawers to find out where he’s been and who he’s been doing it with, you may have to ask yourself “how did I get here?” Maybe you should start asking yourself a few questions while dating:

Are you living in your mother’s basement or otherwise sponging off folks to make your way through life?
-He ain’t supporting you or a family any time soon. I don’t care what he says. At best, wait til he decides to grow up.

Is he is cutting you off or alienating you from your friends?
-Listen to your friends. You don’t have time to this much controlling behavior, especially this early on.

If he refuses to treat you in a way you deserve to be treated?
-You don't need him. Seriously, you are better off on your own. You are to be appreciated not abused.

Does he have issues telling the truth or making promises he can’t keep?
-Quit asking him. One of you needs to find the door.

If he tells you he’s just not that into you?
-Believe him. That might qualify as a deal breaker.

If you find out he has yet another chick on the side?
-Yet another? You know what, we haven’t had the infidelity talk yet. I’m going to have to think through this one (and, uh, find away to not come off as a screaming hypocrite, mind you)

By the way, if during the course of the break up, you feel the overwhelming need to humiliate him on MySpace (I keep getting all these friend requests from women who want to get even with their boyfriends by posting naked pictures of themselves) or something …

… change your password. Your e-mail password too. They have those “mark as unread” buttons for a reason. I’m just saying. Don’t let it get to the "rummaging through piles of his soiled undies" stage of things. That’s no place to be.


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Friday Night Date Place – The Discontent Dance

Here’s the thing: you hit that magical milestone we call 30 or you feel the ticking of a certain biological imperative or you otherwise find yourself “alone” when all of your friends are married and you may start to ask yourself a few questions.

Is there something wrong with me?
Who cares? There's something wrong with everyone. Don't get me wrong, self-examination is important. If you keep making poor decisions in choosing dating partners, you need to figure out why.

Am I not married because of past mistakes?
Again this points to a “God hiding in the bushes waiting to smite us when we screw up” mentality that we have of God or, just as bad, marriage as some kind of reward. Look, -if marriage is a reward for the life someone has lived, my wife should repent.

This is part of the tension of being patient vs. acting in faith … and learning to be content where you are. God is all I need (um, okay, if that works for you. He can only metaphorically embrace you). Don't let people counsel you into "Jesus only". One of my favorite book titles I’ve seen goes something like “If Jesus is my Husband, Why Does My Bed Feel Empty?” We have relational needs (Genesis 2:18 and Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 are but two examples that point to our need for companionship).

It’s important to be content in your circumstances (Philippians 4:11), but some people define content as relinquished desire to marry (read: given up). It’s not an either/or: you can both be content with your singleness and desire marriage. It’s alright to keep looking. Having eyes and seeking opportunity is not being discontent; unless you are doing so as your sole mission in life. Instead, be preparing yourself for marriage by becoming ever more Christ-like. Do the things He's called you to do and be.

The danger of discontent is that frustration and impatience can lead to forcing things and settling. And “’til death do us part” is a long time with someone you’ve only settled for.


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Friday Night Date Place – Arguments

Couples have to learn to argue.

I’m serious. There is a need to know how to best to argue (and I’m not talking about how to win the argument) just as there is no need to fear arguments. My wife and I were a couple years into our marriage before we perfected how best we could argue (granted, of course we hit the occasional bump in our grand plan). Part of it was a matter of taking stock of who we were, temperamentally, and how we could best get our points across.

Yet I find this sentiment of young couples being afraid to argue. They’d never say they were afraid; no, instead you hear them bragging about how they “never fight” as if that’s a bragging point. “We never fight.” Yeah, yeah. The two of you have so much in common, are so in sync, that there is never any disagreements. The two of you are so simpatico that you practically finish each other’s sentences. These are the kind of people who would say their favorite hobby is hanging out with the other. You know what he wants and he knows what you want before you have to even open your mouth. Right.

I hate to be cynical (well, one, no I don’t and two, is it really cynicism if I have years of reality backing up the case), but these folks, while intending to portray their relationship as idyllic, in fact point out a serious flaw in their relationship. More often than not, one person or the other is subverting their emotions or wants in order to not rock the boat of the relationship. They are not being or revealing themselves because they are so insecure about the relationship. And, if the “we never fight” really is the case, then it is just as likely that one or both partners aren’t in a relationship, as much as they have built an altar to themselves.

Look, arguments happen. If you are passionate, if you have a worldview, if you care, if you get angry, you will have arguments. They aren’t the end of the world, they are quite the norm. If you never argue, how do you learn to resolve issues? If you never argue, it will come as a shock to you, your world, and how you see your relationship when you do actually fight. Because you will fight. You can’t just people please in order to avoid arguments. Arguments also serve as release valves or else tensions build up and you just snap (“I’m telling you, officer, one minute he’s saying something absolutely stupid and the next minute the lamp got smashed over his head. I don’t know what happened.”)

Argue while dating to know what you’re getting into (I have found that watching your significant other drive during rush hour traffic will give you a fair idea of what they will be like in an argument). Arguing doesn’t mean call them names: that only inflicts damage and remember that things said can’t be unsaid. Nor is the goal to win every argument. You may have to learn to minimize your own “ass-iocity” during a fight. Sometimes you have to give in and learning the art of compromise is part of building a long lasting relationship. Arguing effectively is a vital part of communicating, and communication is the lifeblood of relationships.


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Friday Night Date Place – Meet the Friends Part II

So what if meeting the friends doesn’t go especially well? [The same questions could be asked of meeting the parents or meeting the kids.] In the final analysis, the relationship is yours and it is your life to lead. Everyone has agendas, and those of your parents, your kids, and your friends, might not be as pure as we would like. For example, some from those circle may not be operating from a perspective of not having your best interests at heart. So you have to weigh those opinions for what they are worth.

However, let’s not be too hasty in dismissing their opinions outright just because we may not like their conclusions. Sometimes friends, because they aren’t so personally invested, can see things that you can’t. People in love develop blind spots, especially when they are too close to a situation. They can’t always see themselves, their significant others, or their relationship objectively.

Some blind spots you think would be obvious to anyone with eyes:

-if the guy has an alcohol problem
-if the guy is abusive or disrespectful
-if the guy has no interest in the things fundamental to you (such as your faith)
-if you are so desperate to be in a relationship, to be loved, that you’ll settle for whoever pays you attention

Sadly, that last item is what usually leads to the blind spots. Which means you want to have ears open enough to hear what your friends are saying if things along these lines are being said. If you are that friend, however, there are certain responsibilities that fall on you:

-Talk to your friend who is in that dating relationship and let them know how you feel. At least do them that courtesy rather than have “war councils” with the rest of the circle of friends that don’t amount to anything more than gossip times.

-Support your friend. Mistakes are theirs to make and we can’t live other people’s lives for them. We all have regrets, mistakes we can hopefully learn from.

It is tough seeing those you love about to make what you are sure will be huge mistakes. You don’t want to burn the bridge of friendship in the name of being heard (read: being right) or doing “whatever it takes” to sabotage the relationship in the “best interests” of your friend. A friend offers council and support, when asked and sometimes when not asked. But there comes a point after that when you need to step back and be prepared to catch your friend should they fall.


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Friday Night Date Place – No Kids?

Last week’s Friday Night Date Place on meeting the kids got me thinking about the reverse scenario. The situation I’m talking about is the single person who finds themselves creeping up in age and the prospect of finding a partner and having a child of their own seems to be fading with each successive birthday. They hear their friends, hear the words of their families, and hear the (however unintended) message of the church and come to the conclusion that they are not fulfilled unless they are married with children. What have we been telling these folks and what should we be telling them?

There are several reasons why most folks are single:
1. Choice – some folks choose to be single.
2. Time of life – there are times when folks are more focused on getting through school, climbing in their careers, or are simply pursuing other interests such that it is not the right time to “settle down.”
3. Socially inept/clueless - I’m not going to lie, some folks haven’t quite figured out how to make connections with others (though, frankly, some of those people still end up married, they’ve just found someone to put up with them)
4. Just hasn’t happened. Try as hard and desire it as much as they want, marriage, much less kids, simply hasn’t happened for them.

Now, is the right message we are to be sending them that they have somehow fallen out of God’s will by remaining single?

There are two mindsets at work here: 1) we act like marriage is a trade up when it’s a trade over, a lateral move of equal value; and 2) we, as a church, have placed family on an altar as if sustaining the family is the be all of Christian living. All of this means we will have to examine what it means to be fully human.

We’re called to join in God’s mission, whether doing it on our own (as singles) or as a team (if married). I know, no one buys the whole “Jesus and Paul were single” argument (though, Paul might have been married at one point). Focus on the Family of God needs to be lived out more deeply instead of worshiping the idea of family. (If I was the cynical type, I’d note that the emphasis on families might have something to do with the fact that families, giving units, are where the money is.)

So we as a culture have set marriage and kids as the be all of existence, setting folks up to believe that it’s our destiny as humans. Somehow you’re not fulfilling your role as human being if you’re not reaching those goals (it doesn’t matter how much you would like it to happen, but it hasn’t ). You know what? Some folks may need to be reminded to cling to their faith that God loves them and is for them (God’s will is not out of whack. If all you do is work and go home, God isn’t going to materialize a partner for you. Your choices and decisions matter, so be for Him in all that you do, after that, it’s on you).

I’m not going to lie, I like seeing myself in my children. Now that I have them, they are my primary ministry. I still have responsibilities to do kingdom work and if I’m being honest with myself, marriage and kids pulls me from that. Time is one of the trade-offs when I went from being single to being married. We need to cling to the true purpose and mission of life: to be fully human is to be fully loving and be in community. When Romans 14-15 talks about living out the Christian life, it’s not about making babies. The bigger point is that we’re co-creators with Him, joined in a mission or reconciliation. We’re all called to be fully human, but that’s an edict that isn’t solely fulfilled by being married and having kids. For many, there is an emptiness and longing for something that hasn’t happened. We don’t know how to speak to that void (and most times, we’d be better off not saying anything). We do them a great disservice by treating (and telling) them as if they are less than human otherwise.


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Friday Night Date Place – Meeting the Kids

Every now and then, I think about what if I was to find myself single again. I’m approaching 40 (it’s the new 20!), I have two boys (complete darlings!), and I would be facing the possibility of dating all over again (I bring teh hotness!1!). I just celebrated my 7 year anniversary and I was a contented single person. However, the thought of dating period, much less navigating those treacherous waters with kids in tow, reminds me to pray that my wife will outlive me.

To a degree, I can still sympathize with trying to date while having kids. It’s hard enough finding the time to go out with just your spouse, to keep the relationship fresh. One of the reasons we decided to stop at two kids was that we could still find people to babysit for two (free!). Around three or more, we weren’t just paying, but we would be paying big. Or else making better friends. Many folks find themselves single with kids or single again with kids or have to go through the motions of weighing the pros and cons of dating someone with kids. There are many issues that they have to check off. Issues like:

-going from being single to an instant family
-dating while juggling kids
-dating while dealing with ex-spouses or the children’s other parent still having to be around
-blending two families
-how and when to develop/allow the appropriate attachments

It’s a lot to absorb and deal with on top of trying to figure out if you like the person you’re going out with, though every relationship has its baggage. I talked to a few friends of mine to see how they handled dating folks while having kids, and a few similar threads kept coming up.

1) Take time before introducing the kids to the other. Okay, one person I talked to made it a point to not introduce her kids to whoever she was dating until the relationship had lasted a year first. Your timing may vary. The point is that your first responsibility is to your kids and creating a stable environment for them. You don’t want to confuse the kids with a constant stream of “friends.” And the simple fact is that it’s important to see if the two of you are going to work as a couple, if they are worth the time/emotional investment, to move to the next level.

2) Take the attachments slowly. Judge the children’s reaction to your significant other and your significant other’s reaction to them. For one thing, you don’t want to let the kids get attached only to have your “friend” disappear. Break ups are hard enough on adults, but they are even tougher on kids. On the other hand, you also want to allow time to allow the relationship between your children and your significant other to develop naturally.

3) Be honest and upfront. My sister handled introductions this way: “Hi. My name is Ro. I have two kids.” It puts the facts immediately out there and gives them an out that way they can run if they’re going to run.

4) Realize that where there are kids, there are parents. A baby momma/daddy may still be in the picture, another party to your relationship. Like any other family, you inherit them as a part of the relationship. If there is any drama with the children’s other parent, that needs to come up pretty early in the discussion also. (I’m thinking that “By the way, the baby daddy’s crazy” is a date three conversation.)

The key rule to relationships of all sorts boils down to how best you can love one another, your kids and yourself as you seek to find your own happiness. This topic is way too big for me to gloss over in one blog, no matter how lengthy, so I may me re-visiting it again in the future. What are your thoughts?


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Friday Night Date Place - Meeting the Folks

I missed out on the tradition of a dowry. The closest thing to a dowry I got was the assumption of my wife’s debt (I can’t begin to convey to you how much my wife will hate that joke). Ritual and tradition are important parts of relationships. It’s one reason why we celebrate anniversaries. They help ground us in remembrance of a greater story. One of the rites of passage for a relationship is the dreaded meeting of the folks.

In this case, the story that this rite of passage dives us into is that of your significant other’s life. Their story began with their parents and to a great degree, the person they will become is foreshadowed in them. Meeting the parents can be a dreaded rite of passage in many relationships, especially if the child is either close to their parents, seeks their approval/values their opinion, or simply wants everyone to like each other.

[Granted, interracial relationships can sometimes have specific bumps to navigate. My wife is lucky that I even thought about bringing another white woman home to meet my mom. The last one I brought home actually thought the line “I think my family used to own your family” was a good conversation breaker. I’m surprised that my one-day-going-to-be-my-wife didn’t walk out on the spot with people flipping off each other, food being thrown (everything from chicken wings to rol